Holiday Season & Mental Illness

The holiday season can be stressful for anyone. Sometimes so much so that it feels as if your last patience is hanging on a thread for its’ dear life…  I can only imagine what it might be like with kids, but I wouldn’t know. For me it is just “Oh God make it stop, I can’t tolerate my family for longer than x amount of time…” I love them, but it is true and I think that I am not unique in feeling like that. Still, all I can do in this post is talk about the holiday season & mental illness from my own experience.

Mainly about the Christmas and new year celebrations as these are the ones that are heavily celebrated in Estonia. And also because Christmas makes me want to pull out my hair at times. Throw a tantrum like a little kid…  I just seem to have begun hating the end of the year. Why would you put up lights in November?! How can people be happy if all it does is drains their mind and their wallets? Somehow I seem to forget that not everyone thinks like me… Not everyone becomes an unstable mess with stress. So much so that they avoid events that cause it like fire.

By the way, my sister has named me the Grinch. On one glorious Christmas Eve, I will dead ass wear the costume and stomp around the room in it, seems fitting.

Holiday season & Mental Illness

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Effects of Bullying & Reasons for Bullying

I am a firm believer that most people are, by heart, good. Yes, sometimes they do things they might not be proud of. Things that hurt others around them, things they want to shove under a rug and forget, and things that can burn holes in their persona too. In brief, this post is about the reasons for bullying and the effects of bullying on the victim. These effects are still felt. Almost 15 years later in my life.

As much as I have analyzed the topic in my head… I can’t speak for everyone and I am not with a psychology degree. Therefore I rely on my own experiences. Please read, if you are mentally in a good place and feel strong enough. Because this post can be triggering. But it is… a part of my life.

Playing as I edit: Gojira – Magma (whole album)

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Work and Bipolar Disorder

This post is going to be about my experiences about work and bipolar disorder, my fails and my gains. My experiences with depression and mania. Also a little look back on the weirdness of mine of which in no way am I ashamed of. Accepting your needs and illness is a long bumpy road. And fighting the strength to forgive oneself the wrongs is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

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Suicide Gone Wrong – the Aftermath

To help someone understand SuicideI haven’t written about my suicide attempt that much or discussed it before to the extent that I perhaps should have. Just to say, it had nothing to do with the people around me. And everything seemed to be fine. But it had to do a lot with what I had been secretly hiding inside of myself. A ferocious beast that was gnawing on my insides, a depression that I could no longer run from. This post is going to be about my overdose and is quite graphic. I don’t want to trigger anyone… So please read it if you are mentally strong enough.

Am truly lucky to have survived and I have my loved ones to thank for that.

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What Has Anxiety Given Me

What has anxiety and coming through a panic attack given me

What is Anxiety?

I could dedicate a whole book to all the things that my anxiety disorder and the aftermath of a panic attack have taken from me. But the subject of what has it given me, other than being a wallflower, is a hard one. I have always tried to look for the good in the bad. Maybe it is a way of survival or just plain denial that something is wrong. Not necessarily saying that it is a good thing after all the suffering it causes. Or that the anxiety symptoms are easy to deal with.

But I wonder, is there something it has given me, other than the endless doubt and shaking from the fear. Is there something that I have learned from it? Have I grown stronger, or have I become weaker? From denying myself many things I wanted to do in life.

Maybe it is the time to self-reflect and perhaps in the process of writing this post. I, myself, too. Will have more insights into the cause and the effect it has had on my life. And perhaps, someone will feel consolation in the knowledge that they are not alone.

But First, a Song to go with the post

If I had to pick a song to introduce my whole being in someone else’s words. It would be Jinjer – Wallflower. I think the whole video and the song are something I strongly feel connected to.

It is a feeling I have felt since I was a little girl.

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