Life as it is

Life as it is. A lot of changes in my daily routines, the way I live, the way I want to live. Being scared to take the leap. What if it all fails. Oh, the endless cycle of fear of trying and the endless turmoil of living the life I was living. How did I get here, into this blog of mine. And where am I now, where am I going. I don’t know, fully. But I have an idea.

the Beginning

When I created this blog, I thought about writing about the music that I love. Reviews in the perspective of a girl that half of her life had her headphones on. In fact, am wearing my Audio-Technica ATH-M50x studio ones now. Adam Hurst Delusion is playing. Listen to it, it is full of such longing and melancholia… yet it soothes ones’ soul.

Can you believe that music is something that runs in my veins, is it Chopin, the Smiths, Lorna Shore, Skynd, Dir en grey… the list goes on. Music is my solace, a place away from the noise of daily life. Noise and the worries.

I will tell you a secret. Ever since I was a little lady… I knew that I will be a singer. I would spend hours on my bed imagining myself on the stage. Behind the microphone. I would take walks out in the woods and sing to the trees as if they were people. I had a passion, I had a dream.

Unfortunately somewhere in my 16-20 years of age I developed the kind of anxiety that rendered me unable to sing in front of other people. I did not always have it. I was in a Choir up until I was 17 or 18… the last year being a pain. And I was in a band once, in the beginning I was able to sing… And after a few practices. I found it harder. My chest would feel as if I had ropes around it. My body physically trembling. I didn’t sing after the age of 20. Ever.

To this day I fear it. The thing that I don’t know. Some feral being gnawing at my heart and soul. The desire to fulfill the dream, but inability to do what is needed. I am am slowly working on it. As aside from this blog I am, in fact… working on a project with my other half. It is melodic metal. But I can’t even sing in front of him. I record everything at home alone, and he processes the audio. So he hears me sing, a lot of friend have… But never in person. I have driven myself to the point of frustration and crying trying. For I know the fear is silly.

How my blog evolved

I was very reluctant to share my writings at first, I thought that… Why would anyone read anything that I create. But then I found the six-sentence corner here. The community is very cool, and it made me want to write again. Regain my passion and share it with the world. Yes can you see the pattern here? I am very insecure, perhaps it is because I was heavily bullied back in school.  But for a moment… I was happy. I was writing again. But then work got in the way and I fell into a coma of a depression. So I kind of… Fell out.

the Idea

Now that I am back here, I have many things I want to do. From the very beginning I knew I wanted to do everything myself. Perhaps I am stubborn, but this is my biggest stepping stone. This is something that makes me feel accomplished. I have shown teeth to my fear. And yes, I have always been the most insecure about my voice and my writings. But the same six-sentence corner made me feel a little more confident about it.

I hope to return there but I have taken so much on my plate currently. I am in the middle of writing two full poetry books. I have one that is coming out soon in a matter of few weeks. Also I need to deal with the marketing and am making lyric videos to all of my previous work currently. Very time consuming.

And before I knew it… I had an idea.

Firstly I wanted to just upload my recordings to Spotify and then link them to my blog. And I had been recording everything with Reaper. But I had never post edited anything. My boyfriend is an audio engineer, I never needed to. But with my blog I knew I wanted to do it myself. Even now though, when I listen to the work I previously released I find errors. Like who let the reverb loose and how did I not hear that loud bang/noise?? But it is okay, I am learning. I am doing it slowly now, no more hurrying… I must admit, I did hurry a little with the first releases… I was impatient. Should have let it sit a bit longer before doing the final edits.

But… I will do it all again. Myself. For myself, and hopefully… Someone will find solace in my voice. Like I did in so many of the singers I admire.

I never thought

At first I thought that I will never show the people around me (friends and family) what I do or use my real name even. For I wanted to write some posts about my mental illness, to maybe make someone feel less alone. I remember that when I was young, blogs that talked about it… they were a consolation that there are people who understand. I want to give it back to the world. In a naïve way I hope I could save someone.

When I get more time from my current projects I will certainly make a corner for the bipolar/adhd/anxiety and one that is less depressive. Right now I have only written things there when felt low. But I want to write about the symptoms and how in my 30 years I have learned to live with it. Accept that I need to take more care of me… I can only talk about my own experience with quitting medication, my jobs, almost loosing my life.

I am not ashamed now, anymore. I want to share it with the world. I want people to know that it doesn’t mean that I am a bad person or completely out of it. I think in my case… it is. A blessing and a curse. I wouldn’t be the me I am without it, and the me I would be. Is a stranger. I can’t say if it would be better or worse. 

I want to

I also want to start doing my album covers myself. I mean, I do, in Canva. I have also applied for affiliate marketing on them because I simply love this thing. Very simple to use. But I want to do digital paintings in the future… some digital and some… As physical resin or acrylic pours. And also sell these in my store.

I also am a freelancer now, I work different type of jobs when in need of money. This month is hard, I needed some help because of some unseen problems. But I am building my dream life. This month though, they removed my disability because I had too big of a salary few months ago… I had literally zero income. But no worries, I will manage.

No it is not easy, and no it doesn’t make me rich… But truly, am not chasing diamonds, they are boring, too conservative. I am fine living a simple life. As long as I have wine, music and love, no matter in which form… all is going to be okay. At least I won’t hate my life as I have for the past 10 years. Wasted time, wasted years. I hated my life so fiercely I cried every morning and every night. 

I mean. My whole childhood I imagined myself to be an artist but I suppressed that part of me to fit into what was expected of me. Chasing career after career, I was very successful but they depleted me of my will to live. I really should write about it more I think. I think my soul wants the freedom of art. Experience the beauty of the light and the darkness of this life so badly… that every time I do something grey it screams in my chest. I want to be me. I want to be happy.

So, I am learning a lot of things now…

To edit audio, create cover art, do my own lyric videos, marketing, overcoming my fears, discipline of not procrastinating while home, believing in my self. 

Ah, lyric videos. I did learn video editing when I was in 8th grade but that was like basic… And not with adobe premiere pro… It was like editing home videos… But…

Here is my first one:

Seems like I am learning how to live the life, the girl in me wanted to.

 

 

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