Music And How I Found My Way

New metal music alert: Chaos in Spring "Weary Eyed" album cover. A foggy forest cut in half by a road (asphalt) and the title between two corner pieces.I searched long and hard in the corners of my psyche for what else to share on my blog besides my stories, poetry, and posts about mental health.  Took my sweet time and couldn’t find anything else to write about than the music that I enjoy or the bands that have paved the road to who I am today. After this post, I  want to write on topics like “Middle Eastern Vibe in Metal Music” or “Galaxies and Relaxation ” or “One Man Wonders” and such.

For the longest of time I just dreamed about making music myself but never took the bull by its’ horns. Now in the dawn of releasing my own music I thought why not write about my beloved artisans. Or how I found my way to the world of sounds. Am writing this post three days before the song of my band goes live.

Before we proceed, I must confess that I can get a little fangirly about the songs I love. Am like a little girl when it comes to music self-expression trough sounds. In this post I will talk a little bit about the backstory and about the little girl that got a little too excited over bizarre and macabre in music or movies. 

Shameless Self-Promo First

An Illustrative photo for my band. A forest and my bands' name Chaos in Spring. Let's listen to the music!

On 24’th of December me and my other half released our first ever single “Weary Eyed”. All of the instrumentals and mixing/mastering are done by Kuldar and my job was to put lyrics and vocals on it. I still can not believe that I have done it. The song came out just one day before my birthday and fulfilled my dream of having a song out before I turn 31. Which is weird.

As before this song I didn’t sing for 8 years, not even once.

And singing, like any skill, is something you can not just not practice and still be good at. Even if young me had a dream, somewhere in the course of life I lost it for a moment. I did well at jobs I didn’t like and wasted away. Time that I should have spent on practicing and honing my skills I chased money and things that had little value to me.

It was very hard to start again as it felt as if I had forgotten all the little nuances of having a control over my voice or breathing. It took me half a year to be able to sing this song. As a secret I can say it does not only apply to singing. This is not my first blog. I started writing and doing voiceovers again this year. So, it has been a very productive year for me. Am building my dream life, finally.

But listen to me sing and scream below, I don’t even know what to call this style… It is metal, it is modern, and it is melodic but I wouldn’t box it under any particular style. Maybe we will just call it alternative metal? What else to call a style of metal when you don’t know what it is? Alternative or modern I guess. Judge for yourself:

What is Music to Me

Sound is such an universal tool to create emotions and understanding in another human.

I think that humans are amazing in the way they create masterpieces. It doesn’t just apply to music but sound is such an universal tool to create emotions and understanding in another human. Music is a language in which you can connect to a person that lives on the other side of the globe. It is community of the people that love the same artists. It is getting lost in the sounds, floating upon the earth, whatever, the list goes on.

And sounds can evoke strong emotions.

Just as a loud bang can create a flight and flee response or the loud talking of people and noisy streets can irritate… music can calm a person. Make one energetic or happy or accompany them when lonely. It can evoke memories in people that have lost it just by making them feel.

For me it is a way to isolate myself from unpleasant noise of life and deal with my feelings. It is the best time of day when I can put my headphones on and not talk to anyone. Talking and long phone calls of friends make me really annoyed if there are other sounds in the room at the same time. They make me unable to think. Honestly saying I would much rather just listen to music. Weird, huh? I don’t like noise or sounds but I love music. Maybe it is because music is organized noise. Not always, but mostly. 

It is the most enjoyable thing in this life for me personally.  

Perhaps it is because I didn’t have many friends when I was young. Partly because I liked to be alone, partly because I was weird. Even this day too much socializing makes me want to crawl out of my skin. What I resort to when everything is too much is blasting my favorite tunes in my big headphones. Yes, I prefer over ears, currently I use Audio-Technica ATH-M50x. I don’t know who this would interest but…

How I Found My Way to New Music

I knew that music was something magical from a very young age

I knew that music was something magical from a very young age. Most of my life I have felt a sense of not belonging. And realism is still a stranger for me. I have music and otherworldly fantasies. I have the ultimate tools to disappear and leave faerie dust behind. Think how cool it would be. If only I could eliminate myself physically too. Become invisible and observe the world. Make notes and write stories about strangers…

Yes that would be so cool. I like making mental notes on the side. Humans are fascinating to write about. There is something otherworldly in all of us. Something loveable. Something worth writing about.

But back to my youth

It wasn’t before they started showing music videos on TV  after my school day that I became completely mesmerized by anything that I hadn’t heard or seen before. At that time I enjoyed hearing Alanis Morisette and Matchbox Twenty which I still love to bits. But I remember seeing Marylin Manson on one day and thinking that this is the coolest thing I have ever seen. I would sit behind the TV every day just waiting for it to come on. Back then it was the most bizarre and macabre thing I could get my hands on. 

Something about the obscurity of it made me yearn for more.  I think this was the start of the evolvement of my versatile music taste. My sister would supply me with 90’ties hits from her collection (secretly I snatched her cassettes), TV had Marylin Manson, and then there were my parents… There was Sõpruse Puiestee, Vennaskond, Dagö, Metro Luminal and other Estonian bands I was exposed to.

It is easier nowadays to discover new music

It is easier nowadays to discover new music

Later in life I found some really cool bands by scouring music blogs and YouTube. It was when we got our dial up. I would spend a good portion of my time on there. Not letting anyone answer or make calls.  I will talk about my finds on one day. There are just so many… But can you imagine the speed of YouTube on dial-up? We lived in a rural area and it took quite long before we were supplied with decent internet.

Nowadays there are playlists on streaming services that sometimes give you new bands.

I think it is really cool how you just take a playlist and there are those cool bands you never heard before. Before I moved to Tidal there was this “Djent” playlist on Spotify that had at least 20 bands that I listen to very often now. It is also easier to release new music for artists. I don’t think it is bad that most of us are there now. Fans buy merch and go to lives regardless if you are on streaming services or not. 

But to sum it all up: when I was young and without the internet, it was really hard to find new music, there were no stores near where I lived. And when there was internet, it was slow. But let’s talk about times before the all knowing internet.

I Found Radio Stations

Radio stations and friends were the biggest suppliers of music

I remember when my sissy moved out I stole the cassette player that she had gotten as a gift. It was a radio that sounded like poo but it was my first means of finding new music. I would just search trough every station just to find something new and cool. And I would fall asleep with it just listening to what came on the radio afraid I would miss out on something. By that time music had became more than just a tool to drown out the noise. I was addicted to it. It was the only thing I looked forward to.

I can not remember how or when but I stumbled upon two stations that became my main sources of my drug of choice. It was so for years before internet was supplied to our home. Radio 2 had underground doom metal nights with occasional black metal nights or death metal and everything in between. I would run to my bed with radio every Friday night. And then there was radio Mania that played such bands as Nirvana, Metallica, Manowar and the list goes on. 

We Got A home Theater System

Trough the years I blew three sets of speakers, father was mad

Finally I had means to listen to CD’s and I got someone to make me a CD with Manowar, Metallica, and Rotting Christ from his fathers collection. I also got an original collections of Manowar and Led Zeppelin as a gift.

By that time I felt that I had found my lifeblood

I found what made me happy and kept me hanging onto this life. Before I knew it I had my own style in skin tight jeans, combat boots and leather jackets… I was a fangirl of AC/DC and Accept and Metallica. Those were the first bands I would blast on our speakers when I was alone with my parents at work. I also bought the “Master of Puppets” for my piggy bank money.

Later on a schoolmate made me a CD with Limp Bizkit and System of a Down. It was something more modern than the “Daddy Rock” I was into (I still am!!!). And from my mothers friend I got the Linkin Park Hybrid Theory and Meteora after seeing numb on TV. I was like 11 or 12 when I was moshing alone in the middle of our living room…

I was young and I knew I will be a singer on one day.

It Was the First Band I Was Truly a Fan Of

Music made me feel less alone in this world that didn't make sense

You can say I was listening to Metallica for most of my younghood and do believe I was a fan. But with Linkin Park, something in me clicked… Even in the fragile age I was in I felt I could understand the music. And I felt that the music understood my inner feelings and I didn’t have to explain myself. The world didn’t matter, it was me and the sounds. I would lay on the floor and just listen to these two albums on repeat.

So, Their Music Made Me Feel Less Alone

I have spoken in the other posts how I was relentlessly bullied in school and very alone. I had this loneliness in me I couldn’t shake off, this feeling of not being understood or fitting in.

In a very young age all I wanted was just to find my home and I found it in music. To this day I feel it is the most home that something has ever made me feel. Besides my boyfriend. He is nice too.

I still feel it is my everything

Before I knew it I was trying to sing along or just make noises in the middle of our room. I wanted to be like Chester when I grew up. Honestly saying now I don’t want to be like anyone, I want to find my own way. But back then, I thought it would be so cool to sing like the man on the poster on my wall. It was the emotion in his voice that got to me, that still in a way makes me look up to him.

Emotion is something that is important To Me

Emotion and tiny human "mistakes" are what make music

Emotion in music has to be raw for me, I have to physically feel it or it doesn’t do the trick for me. To this day I don’t have a particular taste in music. But even if it is well made production wise I can’t really get into it if I can not feel it in my bones. It has to be human. Listen to La Dispute for example, it is raw. I like it just as much as I like Chopin or Lorna Shore.

Music has the power to touch me in places no mortal hand ever could. It has to, or I feel dead.

I remember that Linkin Park was the first band that made me cry “Crawling” , “By Myself”,  “Lying From You”, “Hit the Floor”, “Somewhere I Belong”, “Nobody’s Listening”, and “From the Inside” still pull my strings. Especially since I had trouble with self-harm and cigarettes since I was 9 or 10, in fourth grade. I don’t know how old I was there. But I was young and feeling a bit too much for my own good. I truly thing that me finding music saved me. I think that me realizing I am not alone with those feelings gave me hope. Hope that maybe one day I will create something cool with them too.

See You Next Time

I didn’t think I would speak about any particular band but I did a bit. The things keep getting more interesting after I found the internet. Hours of weird pages and limewire. Yes, I did pirate a lot back then I saw it a bit differently than now. See you in the next post where I have an idea to write about some modern instrumental metal bands and why metal holds a big part of my music taste, some of them can be quite relaxing. But we will see which idea makes it first into the blog. There are many. So much to write about and so little time.

Am also working on my next poetry book and waiting for the song to go live. So that I can pitch it into this post and hit publish. I also have to go and record the next single for the band when I finally get well. See you and thank you for reading my posts!

See you and thank you for reading my posts!

More Shameless Self Promo

I still mainly write stories and poems,

On 05.02.2023 I will have a new audiobook of poetry out. Check out the preview in this post here.

My six-sentence stories can be found on my Blog, YouTube or Spotify.

And my posts about Mental Health can be found here.


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