In my second post ‘Poetry and Music’ I spoke a little about why I write about those topics and my first ‘WOW’ moment in music. Also, I talked about how I started writing poetry and why I feel it is the thing for me. There was also a promise to write about my first album (CD) that I bought and how I started collecting Vinyl records. And to write my first post about a specific band that changed my life.
Somewhere along the course of a few weeks, I have also added stories to my blog. I have written them before but I never thought that they would be a popular part of my blog. Who reads stories or poetry in 2022? I have two categories as of the time of writing this post:
My First Album That I Owned
I remember being mad at my parents for not letting me go to a concert.
In fact, I was dreaming about this one in particular for a while by now given that the band was one of my first metal bands. But as a teenager that I was in 2006 (14 years of age and in love with heavy music) my father just told me that I am too young. Metallica was also notorious for not giving the ‘calmest’ type of concerts. So naturally, he thought that this was not the place for a young girl.
Obviously, I was very offended and mad at my dad. “Me, a 14-year-old… too young?? Blegh!” and I remember feeling jealousy for the first time in my life. A friend of mine could go with his dad. But I and my step-father never had that kind of a connection, even if I called him daddy. Now after he has been dead for a while I wish that we did, spend more time together. And that I had asked him to go with me, pleaded more, not for the concert but to be closer.
Sometimes I think it is funny how long you can live under the same roof (I was 3 when he entered our life) and still be so far from each other. It is not a secret that we were not close, something I still regret. Maybe things would have ended differently if I had tried harder and he would have known how much I loved him. Put our personalities and values in life were so different. Even by the time, that I had become a young adult we rarely had anything to speak about.
In the Mind of a Teenager
Back then I was very self-centered too. Maybe because I was dealing with a lot of pain that someone as young as me shouldn’t have (Bullying). In my mind, my dad not letting me go to the concert meant that he hated the music. I took it very personally and felt as if he denied it just to hurt me. Am now laughing at the silly thought, but I do understand the girl I was a little better now. She was angry, sad, and a teen. Poor father, I was vicious in the way I ignored him.
What Did I Do?
I remember that in the following years I printed out a lot of Metallica posters and plastered them all over my wall. Determined to annoy my dad – mastering passive aggression that only now I have learned to let go of. Because I felt it is not me. It was just something I did to survive, and to the people that cared about me too.
But the wallpaper phase was later, you could say I held a grudge for many years.
I remember the same week as my mother went to the store, I slipped into a record store. Thinking that with my piggy bank I can secretly make a purchase fast. Not to say that the clerk was annoyed but amused. I was standing in front of the shelves and looking at three of their first albums. Couldn’t decide which one to bring home, I think that was the demise of my plan. To go in fast and come out.
As I put the ‘Master of Puppets’ and coins on the table. My mother stepped in.
She took my coins to herself and paid by card to the clerk. I don’t know if she felt more sorry for me or the clerk at this moment. But she knew how much I wanted it. I still laugh at the fact that I purchased it for coins, well I did, even if my mother stepped in. And I still wonder if the clerk thinks about the little blonde girl buying the Master of Puppets with her piggy bank.
‘Annoying’ My Father
I would play this album every day for at least half a year… I remember listening to Sanatorium and Orion over and over again as loud as the speakers would give. But rather than annoying dada, I think I made him sad. Am truly sorry for that, father. He was only looking out for a daughter he never thought he would have and I translated it as something he deliberately did to make me sad. As I said, I was a self-centered brat with early signs of mental illness.
But the CD was my most priced object, I remember dreaming about becoming a musician and begging my mother to buy me an electric guitar. Desired to be a guitarist but why I never became one? It is something that still saddens me. I have had finger-joint problems since I was young. Because of the excruciating pain, the fretting and fingering caused me. Adding the laughter of my comrades as my fingers locked up in the middle of a lesson. I just quit after hardly playing for a year.
The album, maybe because of the memories or the rage I had. It has easily become one of the most priced ones that I own. Before that, I had only self-made mp3 CDs. And I already had internet. The CD has cracks and holes in it by now and also is missing her sleeve. I want to have it framed one day and put it on my wall as a piece of merch that I have had with me for the longest.
I still think that the two songs that I previously mentioned are one of the best ones ever made.
Photos of the Album
As you can tell, it is beyond scratched to unplayable. I truly take more care of my merch now, luckily we have Tidal so I don’t have to rely on playing CDs over and over again.
What is Playing At the Moment of Writing this Post: Hungry Lights – A Father’s End – a very eloquent writing and telling of a story of a novel, the last song on the album but I will take the next one after.
Madman’s metal. Fiction and the darkness of life weaved into each other so well that I have been obsessed for the past few days. Can be found on Spotify, Tidal, and YouTube