Holiday Season & Mental Illness

The holiday season can be stressful for anyone. Sometimes so much so that it feels as if your last patience is hanging on a thread for its’ dear life…  I can only imagine what it might be like with kids, but I wouldn’t know. For me it is just “Oh God make it stop, I can’t tolerate my family for longer than x amount of time…” I love them, but it is true and I think that I am not unique in feeling like that. Still, all I can do in this post is talk about the holiday season & mental illness from my own experience.

Mainly about the Christmas and new year celebrations as these are the ones that are heavily celebrated in Estonia. And also because Christmas makes me want to pull out my hair at times. Throw a tantrum like a little kid…  I just seem to have begun hating the end of the year. Why would you put up lights in November?! How can people be happy if all it does is drains their mind and their wallets? Somehow I seem to forget that not everyone thinks like me… Not everyone becomes an unstable mess with stress. So much so that they avoid events that cause it like fire.

By the way, my sister has named me the Grinch. On one glorious Christmas Eve, I will dead ass wear the costume and stomp around the room in it, seems fitting.

Holiday season & Mental Illness

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Effects of Bullying & Reasons for Bullying

I am a firm believer that most people are, by heart, good. Yes, sometimes they do things they might not be proud of. Things that hurt others around them, things they want to shove under a rug and forget, and things that can burn holes in their persona too. In brief, this post is about the reasons for bullying and the effects of bullying on the victim. These effects are still felt. Almost 15 years later in my life.

As much as I have analyzed the topic in my head… I can’t speak for everyone and I am not with a psychology degree. Therefore I rely on my own experiences. Please read, if you are mentally in a good place and feel strong enough. Because this post can be triggering. But it is… a part of my life.

Playing as I edit: Gojira – Magma (whole album)

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Life as it is

Life as it is. A lot of changes in my daily routines, the way I live, the way I want to live. Being scared to take the leap. What if it all fails. Oh, the endless cycle of fear of trying and the endless turmoil of living the life I was living. How did I get here, into this blog of mine. And where am I now, where am I going. I don’t know, fully. But I have an idea.

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Work and Bipolar Disorder

This post is going to be about my experiences about work and bipolar disorder, my fails and my gains. My experiences with depression and mania. Also a little look back on the weirdness of mine of which in no way am I ashamed of. Accepting your needs and illness is a long bumpy road. And fighting the strength to forgive oneself the wrongs is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

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What Has Anxiety Given Me

What has anxiety and coming through a panic attack given me

What is Anxiety?

I could dedicate a whole book to all the things that my anxiety disorder and the aftermath of a panic attack have taken from me. But the subject of what has it given me, other than being a wallflower, is a hard one. I have always tried to look for the good in the bad. Maybe it is a way of survival or just plain denial that something is wrong. Not necessarily saying that it is a good thing after all the suffering it causes. Or that the anxiety symptoms are easy to deal with.

But I wonder, is there something it has given me, other than the endless doubt and shaking from the fear. Is there something that I have learned from it? Have I grown stronger, or have I become weaker? From denying myself many things I wanted to do in life.

Maybe it is the time to self-reflect and perhaps in the process of writing this post. I, myself, too. Will have more insights into the cause and the effect it has had on my life. And perhaps, someone will feel consolation in the knowledge that they are not alone.

But First, a Song to go with the post

If I had to pick a song to introduce my whole being in someone else’s words. It would be Jinjer – Wallflower. I think the whole video and the song are something I strongly feel connected to.

It is a feeling I have felt since I was a little girl.

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