Holiday Season & Mental Illness

Holiday season & Mental Illness

The holiday season can be stressful for anyone. Sometimes so much so that it feels as if your last patience is hanging on a thread for its’ dear life…  I can only imagine what it might be like with kids, but I wouldn’t know. For me it is just “Oh God make it stop, I can’t tolerate my family for longer than x amount of time…” I love them, but it is true and I think that I am not unique in feeling like that. Still, all I can do in this post is talk about the holiday season & mental illness from my own experience.

Mainly about the Christmas and new year celebrations as these are the ones that are heavily celebrated in Estonia. And also because Christmas makes me want to pull out my hair at times. Throw a tantrum like a little kid…  I just seem to have begun hating the end of the year. Why would you put up lights in November?! How can people be happy if all it does is drains their mind and their wallets? Somehow I seem to forget that not everyone thinks like me… Not everyone becomes an unstable mess with stress. So much so that they avoid events that cause it like fire.

By the way, my sister has named me the Grinch. On one glorious Christmas Eve, I will dead ass wear the costume and stomp around the room in it, seems fitting.

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Effects of Bullying & Reasons for Bullying

the effects of bullying and the reasons for bullying

I am a firm believer that most people are, by heart, good. Yes, sometimes they do things they might not be proud of. Things that hurt others around them, things they want to shove under a rug and forget, and things that can burn holes in their persona too. In brief, this post is about the reasons for bullying and the effects of bullying on the victim. These effects are still felt. Almost 15 years later in my life.

As much as I have analyzed the topic in my head… I can’t speak for everyone and I am not with a psychology degree. Therefore I rely on my own experiences. Please read, if you are mentally in a good place and feel strong enough. Because this post can be triggering. But it is… a part of my life.

Playing as I edit: Gojira – Magma (whole album)

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Poetry Book no I – ACT II

Cover for the ACT II. Includes blue butterflies, spiders and spiderwebs.

Omg, omg, omg !!! Finally, after so many years of dreaming… You know, the kind where you lay in the bed just imagining… making up worlds and places. Do people still do that? I can surely say that I have spent the majority of my life daydreaming, being told that it was in vain… But well, I can now say that I do have a poetry book.

The poems were too short to be uploaded separately… But they do tell a story in 20 of them separated into ACT I and ACT II. So to get the whole story you may want to read the other post first. Also there I talk more about the book itself.

Here, in this post…

In this act, I have focused on heartbreak and acceptance. 

Playing as I edit the post for final edits: SKYND.

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Lady in Between – Short Story – Lyric Video

Short Story, lady in between.

Lady in Between – Short Story Lyric Video

This short story of mine was particularly hard for me to create. All the steps of it: writing, recording, editing the audio and making an video to. I love the story but I almost as if wanted it to be done fast, I couldn’t stomach it.

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Master of Escapism – a Short Story

 

Master of Escapism album ar. A lady with her hair full of butterflies that represent dreams.

Master of Escapism – a Short Story – Lyric Video

Master of Escapism is one of my personal favorites that I have ever written. It is a short story that is not as much of a fiction as others, it is about me and about the feelings that I have had ever since I was a kid. Maybe that is also why the theme is a stardust based one, the first video that I also used a background sound on. 

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Work and Bipolar Disorder

Work an Bipolar Disorder

This post is going to be about my experiences about work and bipolar disorder, my fails and my gains. My experiences with depression and mania. Also a little look back on the weirdness of mine of which in no way am I ashamed of. Accepting your needs and illness is a long bumpy road. And fighting the strength to forgive oneself the wrongs is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

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My audio recordings.

I have been away from my blog for a while, I am so sorry, truly I am. I had a lot on my plate from dealing with bipolar depression to deciding to leave my job. I am feeling a lot better now, after a rest and making myself get out of bed and do my art, not hibernate. I promised to share my audio recordings but I have, in fact, fallen short of my own words.

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What Has Anxiety Given Me

What has anxiety and coming through a panic attack given me

What is Anxiety?

I could dedicate a whole book to all the things that my anxiety disorder and the aftermath of a panic attack have taken from me. But the subject of what has it given me, other than being a wallflower, is a hard one. I have always tried to look for the good in the bad. Maybe it is a way of survival or just plain denial that something is wrong. Not necessarily saying that it is a good thing after all the suffering it causes. Or that the anxiety symptoms are easy to deal with.

But I wonder, is there something it has given me, other than the endless doubt and shaking from the fear. Is there something that I have learned from it? Have I grown stronger, or have I become weaker? From denying myself many things I wanted to do in life.

Maybe it is the time to self-reflect and perhaps in the process of writing this post. I, myself, too. Will have more insights into the cause and the effect it has had on my life. And perhaps, someone will feel consolation in the knowledge that they are not alone.

But First, a Song to go with the post

If I had to pick a song to introduce my whole being in someone else’s words. It would be Jinjer – Wallflower. I think the whole video and the song are something I strongly feel connected to.

It is a feeling I have felt since I was a little girl.

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